Roll up, roll up, get your Google search words here...

And so to the obligatory blog post on how people arrive at my ramblings. Stop me if you've heard it before....I know, I know it's a fairly lazy way of generating a post, but I can't resist. Especially as the weirdest search terms have been arriving recently - was it something I said?

• "Dervla Kirwan's wedding to Rupert Penry-Jones": She's annoying on those M&S ads, he looks rather nice. Can't say I know any more than that. But do tell - we might make a fortune from passing it onto the gossip rags.
• "Toby Stephens rolling in newspapers": The mind boggles. But I'm sure he has a lot of fun doing it. Allegedly.

Maybe they're all trying to find out the solutions to one of those horrendous crossword puzzle things you see in the likes of Heat, full of references to Z-list slebs?

• "cocktail or tea trolley": Easy. That'll be a cup of Earl Grey and a slice of cake please.

Forget the crossword idea, this is like one of those 20-questions emails designed to let your friends know just how kooky and lovable you are.

• "the nite mear be for Christmas": May I suggest a course of remedial spelling?
• "montain treees": Ditto, but as you're Belgian, I might let you off.

There's a distinct lack of appreciation of spelling, I'm beginning to realise. Must contact that mad lot who wanted a grammar tsar at the Beeb. Maybe they can help.

• "nappy cake devon": This is definitely getting weirder.
• "cooling forehead while mowing": Eh? And just how exactly did that lead directly to my blog?
• "pictures of teenagers in nappies": Now I'm worried.

And now, of course, I've gone and encouraged them all over again by putting the search terms in a blog post. Oh bugger. I'm doomed to a neverending hell of bad spelling, B-list actors and weirdos chasing nappies.